Harry Potter How Bong Bong got his name
by Red Phoenix Dragon
Summary: Ronald was a troubled wizard. After the First Task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament, he had gone to tell the lousy git, Harry, that he had forgiven him for cheating, but the stinking tosser ignored him while he kissed the Insufferable-Know-It-All. Ronald learns a very important lesson in table manners and it changes his life for a happy ending. HHr NLLL RWLB Very strong stomach alert!


Harry Potter. How Bong Bong got his name.

Aftermath of the First Task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

Beta by alix33 Thank you.

I don't own the Harry Potter verse. Just playing.

Summary: Ronald was a troubled wizard. After the First Task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament, he had gone to tell the lousy git, Harry, that he had forgiven him for cheating, but the stinking tosser ignored him while he kissed the Insufferable-Know-It-All. Ronald learns a very important lesson in table manners and it changes his life for a happy ending. HHr NLLL RWLB Very strong stomach alert!

AN EXTREMELY VERY STRONG STOMACH ALERT!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

Our story starts in the Great Hall during dinner on the day after the First Task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament. We find very angry Ronald sitting alone, and being a very angry Ronald makes for a very very hungry Ronald. Fortunately his bad mood had cleared a wide section in the middle of the Gryffindor table which gave him access to more food trays that he didn't have to share with anyone, as seemingly, Ronald has been abandoned by his former two best friends who were sitting very close together with Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood at the other end of the table near the door. Ronald has noticed that the happy couple has temporarily stopped kissing to acknowledge Neville and Luna.

Ronald's mind went back to the previous afternoon after the showoff lousy git had risked his life to outfly a stupid Hungarian Horntail Dragon. As if that would prove that someone was trying to kill him as the git had out flown Dementors last year. So what was a little dragon compared to a few icky Dementors? And the git still claims that he never would have cheated to place his name in the Goblet of Fire. Ronald, being the magnanimous friend, was prepared to overlook that mistake and to forgive Harry, but when he had gone to find the git, he found more than he wanted. In the Champions Tent was the lousy tosser with his arms wrapped around the Insufferable-Know-It-All, actually kissing her, and totally ignoring him. Nothing he did would get their attention. Even when he quietly yelled at them. He was afraid that this might happen one day after what had happened in first year with that little Troll Incident, and he had been deliberately trying to keep them apart.

The git was HIS OWN, close, personal, Boy-Who-Lived, best mate!

And HIS ALONE!

And Ronald Bilius Weasley didn't share anything!

So he had shown his disapproval of their behaviour by storming off to find the catering tent and eating a light snack for the rest of the afternoon.

But here in the Great Hall, watching the two lousy gits kissing again while their groupies fawned over them, was turning his stomach and that had never ever happened before. So his bad mood was growing worse and his only comfort was eating and eating a lot.

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

Lavender Brown was very excited to finally see Harry and Hermione together as they had been painfully dancing around each other without a clue since first year. Now that the celebrity couple had finally paired up, she was hoping that it would set a trend and she could ultimately get a boyfriend. She had her eye on a particular redhead boy that she was waiting for to grow up and now might be her chance. She moved away from the groupies and sat opposite her future Ron Ron and let out a sigh.

"Isn't beautiful that Harry and Hermione are together?" Lavender said dreamily to the redhead. "I was hoping..."

Whatever Lavender was hoping for died in the rage of Ronald's reaction as he sprayed an enormous mouth full of half-chewed food all over the hapless blonde as he screamed what he truly felt about the two disgusting, lying, cheating, gits who had abandoned _him_ , their best friend. His distasteful tirade was too foul to be reprinted in these pages, gentle reader, but the outburst silenced the Great Hall as everyone turned to watch the red-hair moRon make a bigger fool of himself. Even Draco cheerfully thought up some witty insults to share with the idiot.

Ronald started to refill his mouth with food again so he could continue to scream at the blonde when Angelina Johnson, the beautiful Gryffindor Quidditch team chaser, who had unfortunately sat ten feet too close and copped some half-chewed sausage in her hair, pulled out her wand and did the first thing she could think of and banished the disgusting greasy bit of sausage from her hair and continued to banish all the disgusting mess along the table back towards the loathsome redhead's big ugly mouth and with a flick of her wand she banished away that sickening, disgusting, bottomless hole, leaving a shocked Ronald mouth-less with his hands still full chicken legs and no way to eat them.

The sudden silence in the Great Hall stunned everyone as the beautiful chaser had finally shut up the moRon. Then the students, who had suffered nightmares from the image of the bad disgusting table manners of the red-haired stomach, started to applaud the actions of the brave beautiful witch. Then they stood up to cheer and stamped their feet. For ten minutes there was pandemonium in the Great Hall while the now mouth-less redhead stomach only had a large clear patch of skin where his mouth had been.

Slowly his fury had turned a violent shade of Prewett Rage Red.

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

Unbelievably, then the impossible happened.

Ronald's stomach reminded him that it was still more than half empty and that he could actually starve to death before his banished mouth was found and returned. And he did have two big juicy chicken legs smothered in gravy, one in each paw.

Ronald knew what he had to do and completely ignored the disgust of everyone else in the Great Hall.

He took his misused Gryffindor courage and snorted the juicy chicken leg up his nose.

Unfortunately it got stuck.

Not to fear Ronald immediately tried to snort the last remaining juicy chicken leg up the other nostril.

Unfortunately it got stuck too!

An obvious bad case of Ronald's eyes being bigger than his nose.

The look of absolute dread on Ronald's face showed that he feared that he would now starve to death, only to discover he couldn't breathe. Frantically he looked for something to use to force the chicken legs up his nose as he knocked everything away sending the cutlery scattering to the floor. Ronald had never learnt how to properly use a knife and fork as he kept trying to bite the fork and besides they slowed down and got in the way of his eating performance. Finally his hands grabbed a large plate and he tried to pick it up and drag it towards himself when everything went black, and he collapsed with a thud, falling chicken legs first into the plate, sending all the remaining food that surrounded him scattering all over the place.

The Great Hall was shocked in stun silence as boy showed what the most important thing in his life was.

His stomach.

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

At the head table the professors looked on with dismay as the disgusting event played out. Except for the greasy haired one. He was chuckling with glee at all the points he was about to take from Gryffindor.

Hagrid, the half giant professor stood up.

"Leave this to me." He said. "I know just what to do. Fang is always getting bones stuck in his throat."

The half giant professor quickly made his way to the stricken boy. He picked up one of the empty heavy cast iron food trays next to the boy and gently lifted the boy's head back with one huge hand while he swung the heavy cast iron tray with his other hand.

 _ **BONG!**_

 _ **BONG!**_

Was the deep rich sound that the heavy cast iron tray made as it contacted the back of the boy's hard head, and echoed around the Great Hall as one then the other juicy chicken leg now covered in green gravy flew out of the boy's nose.

"There, that's better." Hagrid said cheerfully pleased with his handy work as he plunked the heavy cast iron tray in front of the still unconscious and barely breathing boy. "Better out than in I always say."

But the unconscious boy fell forward and his head hit the heavy cast iron tray.

Bong!

Bong!

It echoed as it bounced.

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

Fortunately Lavender had moved after she saw the moRon snort the first juicy chicken leg. She didn't want to try and remove that from her hair as she waved her wand to clean off the half-chewed food the disgusting idiot had spat at her. She knew that his head would needed some softening up, and now after those four deep rich bong bongs, she hoped that his head was now soft enough for the retraining and the make-over she had planned for her Ron Ron. She could never understand how the redhead could have no table manners whatsoever or lack any understanding of personal grooming when his brothers could be the perfect gentlemen when it suited them. It was if he used his natural obnoxiousness to drive everyone away from the Boy-Who-Lived.

And if Bong Bong's head still needed a little bit more softening up, she could always ask Hagrid to give another demonstration. The kind professor was always happy to help with homework.

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

Draco Malfoy, the self appointed long time personal antagonist and professional purveyor of sarcastic comment for Harry Potter and his comic relief sidekick, the red-hair moRon, couldn't believe what was happening and he couldn't stop himself from coming over to the Gryffindor table to add his two Knuts worth of witty insults.

Unfortunately he was standing in the wrong place as the great oaf tried to clear the blockage of the redhead's nose, and the first ejected juicy chicken leg covered in green gravy went straight into his opened mouth as he was about share the brilliance of his sarcastic mind. The chicken leg had blocked the witty insult he had thought up and caused him to violently spit it out all over the person standing next to him, and then vomits up his dinner as he vigorously coughed up his stomach, lungs and everything else he had eaten for the last month.

Unfortunately this completely understandable reaction caused Draco to bend over so the second juicy chicken leg covered in green gravy hit the back of his head, slid down his perfect platinum blond hair and under his billowing expensive Slytherin robes. This slimy greasy chicken leg sliding down his back, caused Draco to add a twisting motion to his furious regurgitation, as he slipped on the first chicken leg and wracked his head on the soft oak wood of the Gryffindor table, breaking his nose and knocked himself unconscious as he crumpled into stinking mess on the floor.

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

Unfortunately for Draco, the person standing next to him was his Head of House, Professor Severus Snape.

Professor Snape had followed his godson, favourite student and tag team buddy, as he made his way to insult the Gryffindork, while the half giant imbecile had walked down the other side of the Gryffindor table to the aid of the collapsed moRon.

He sneered as his billowing robe and polished shoes were splatted with a greasy chicken leg and the contents of Draco's stomach. He wondered if his day could get any worse when the sight and smell of the disgusting mess caused all the surrounding students to lose their stomachs in his general direction. Very soon he was knee deep in the most disgusting remains of the dinner while he bent over to tried and fish out his godson before he drowned in that unholy cesspool.

That was when the godfather professor was covered in projectile vomit from Draco's girlfriends, Crabbe and Goyle.

It is the sad lot of a Potions Master to cope with some of the most Merlin awful disgusting smelling potions but he had never smelt anything as bad as that mess. The vile acid in the stench even ate his booby head charm, but to his credit he didn't lose his stomach contents.

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

Meanwhile Harry and Hermione finally broke their longest kiss ever due to the need to breathe and were blissfully unaware of what had just happened.

They noticed the smell and decided to sneak out of the Great Hall to find a quiet romantic spot to continue their kissing practice as Hermione would always say, practice makes perfect.

And Harry was trying to be an exemplary student. Even an outstanding one.

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

It took hours to banish the mess in the Great Hall, calm the students' stomachs and send them to their dormitories.

And it took even more hours to locate his two wayward lovebirds but finally the headmaster had got Harry and Hermione alone in his office so he could apply a correction to their recent behaviour. Not wanting to waste any more time, he swiftly took out his wand and pointed it at the surprised couple.

"Oblivi..." He started to say when his office door burst open and a furious Lucius Malfoy stormed in.

Harry took his chance, whipped out his wand and in one continuous motion pointed it at the headmaster. "Expelliarmus!"

Harry caught the wand while the distracted headmaster didn't notice that he had lost it as he angrily turned to face the blond idiot who had interrupted the important work of the Greater Good.

"What has happened to my son! You stupid old fool!" Lucius screamed as he pointed his walking stick at the headmaster. "What do you think I pay you…."

"NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU SLIPPERY BITCH!"

Lucius was drowned out by the scream of Molly Weasley as she stormed into the headmaster's office waving her wand around and started to throw curses at the Death Eater who had given that cursed diary to her daughter at the start of her first year.

Harry and Hermione took the headmaster's wand and grabbed hold of one of Fawkes' tail feathers just as he flamed away. Fawkes took them to his favourite spot when he wanted some peace and quiet away from the annoying manipulative headmaster, and he flamed them onto the top of the Astronomy Tower. But they could still hear Molly Weasley so Fawkes was happy to stay with Harry and Hermione in their new favourite romantic spot to watch the stars, snuggle, kiss, and see the magic of the dawn.

Professor McGonagall had followed the screaming harpy to the headmaster's office and watched the fight between the harpy and the blond slime-ball. She decided to slowly return to her own office and call for the Aurors to sort out the riot in the headmaster's office and give the harpy and slime ball plenty of time to really hurt each other, as it appeared that the headmaster was again doing nothing to stop their bad behaviour, while the potions professor and the former Auror Moody just sneered and grinned as they watched the cat fight.

Until one of Molly's wild curses hit a strange silver doodad that was puffing away on a shelf behind the headmaster's desk. The doodad exploded with great violence, sending shards of silver all over the office, destroying all the other silver doodads and severely injuring professors Dumbledore, Snape and Moody while rendering everyone else unconscious.

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

It was Madam Amelia Bones who answered Professor McGonagall's call for help and when she heard that Molly Weasley and Lucius Malfoy were involved, she arrived with six Aurors that were loyal to her and no one else. She was well aware that the headmaster, Minister Fudge and Lucius Malfoy had Aurors in her department that were loyal to them and made sure not to bring them with her as she didn't want to get stabbed in the back. The headmaster's office was a complete mess when they arrived, and her Aurors helped to move all the injured to the Hogwarts hospital ward and she quickly got to the bottom of things.

Arthur Weasley explained that they had been called to the school because their youngest son, Bong Bong, had been injured and Molly had lost it when she spotted Lucius Malfoy in the castle. They had discovered from Bong, Harry and Hermione after the disaster of the World Cup that it was Malfoy who had slipped You-Know-Who's very dark diary to their daughter at the beginning of her first year at Hogwarts and it had almost killed her and had endangered everyone in the castle. Molly had been waiting for an opportunity to deliver a close personal Howler directly to Malfoy's face when things got a little out of hand.

Amelia was looking forward to questioning the Death Eater when Minister Fudge, acting on a tip-off, arrived with his Undersecretary Umbridge at the Hogwarts hospital ward. But she was ever so happy to discover that both the Minister and his Undersecretary had very weak stomachs, and the smell coming from Bong Bong's bed turned them violently green and their Ministry emergency Portkeys took them both straight to St Mungo's before they could obstruct and hinder the course of justice while they tried to protected their cash cow, Lucius Malfoy.

So while the headmaster was still unconscious and also unable to frustrate and thwart her, Amelia jumped at the opportunity to revived the unprotected slippery Lucius and filled him with Veritaserum before he could complain, and asked all the questions she had always wanted to ask, from who had murdered her brother and his family, why he was blocking a trial for Sirius Black, what he knew about the dark lord's diary, his alleged Imperius Curse defense and the names of all his friends who took part in the Death Eater Hate parade at the Quidditch World Cup. In one hour of direct questioning she had enough evidence to send all the Death Eaters directly through the Veil.

And best of all, she had got Lucius' little black book that listed all the bribes that he had paid to Ministry officials including Fudge, Umbridge and not surprisingly, Dumbledore, along with his supporters in the Wizengamot as well as all the Aurors that were loyal to him. She had heard the unbelievable stories that her Susan had told her and she really wanted to know why Slippery Lucius, a known tightwad, thought it would be a good investment to pay the headmaster two million galleons at the end of Mr Potter's second year, when he had been unceremoniously booted from the Board of Governors of Hogwarts. Then she wanted to know where the headmaster had got the one million galleons he had invested with Lucius at the end of Mr Potter's first year. The little black book showed that Lucius had re-invested half with the minister, a quarter with the Undersecretary and kept the rest as a tax-free fee. She checked the date of payment and realised that it was the same day that the Minister had cut her department budget and stopped her from investigating the death of professor Quirinus Quirrell. She could feel her blood start to boil. After everything her family had lost in the last Blood War, the ludicrous imbeciles had put her niece in danger.

Amelia called in the rest of her most loyal Aurors and Hit Wizards and Witches and planned to remove the scum from her world that very morning, when it was discovered that it was not Moody that was in the third bed but a barely alive Barty Crouch junior. He was quickly questioned with Veritaserum, and Amelia with her Aurors and Hit wizards and Witches made a quick raid in the quaint Muggle town of Little Hangleton, where they killed a great big snake, arrested a rat and a very ugly baby.

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

It had been a very long and difficult month of trials for the Death Eaters and their supporters, the former minister, his Undersecretary and last but not least, Dumbledore. The real shock came when they had discovered the depth of the betrayal of Albus Dumbledore, and his using the Greater Good as a defense for the abuse of Harry Potter, the murder of his parents, and the fortune he had made from bribes from Death Eaters. Even Rita Skeeter couldn't dream up some of the crap Dumbledore had pulled and she had to rewrite her book. But his fate was sealed when the rat revealed that the headmaster had been behind the murder of the brother of Madam Bones and his family and also the Prewett twins which cost him the support of his number one fan, Molly Weasley. No one accepted his sacrifices-had-to-be-made excuse.

The Wizarding sheeple were so disgusted that they demanded no second chances. So all the Death Eaters including the wretches in Azkaban were sent through the Veil in the Death Chamber along with former Minister Fudge, former Undersecretary Umbridge and the former Chief Warlock, Mugwump and headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore.

Except for Severus Snape as it had been discovered that he had been a very long term victim of the Imperius Curse all this time and the curse had been cast by none other than Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore as for the Greater Good, he couldn't allow a Slytherin and a Gryffindor to be best friends.

The headmaster was a little sad that they didn't understand nor accepted that his Greater Good justified all the evil he had done or had allowed to happen.

To his credit and of course trusting in his plan _H_ , Dumbledore march bravely to the Veil in the Death Chamber. That was until he saw who was cheerfully waiting for him on the other side, and she was not alone. Then he was utterly terrified and completely forgot all about his plan _H_ as he developed a very bad case of cold feet, but Amelia, Minerva and Molly cheerfully pushed him through the Veil at wand point and onto his very painful next great adventure.

Finding the traitorous rat allowed Sirius to be freed, while Babymort couldn't survive after the snake was killed and his remains ended up in a large glass specimen jar in the Department of Mysteries to be studied before being thrown through the Veil.

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

Harry and Hermione spent time in St Mungo's being healed and having all the blocks, compulsions and hexes removed and their memories returned plus Harry had suffered so much malnutrition and abuse. Harry's scar was a matter of concern and they had the curse breakers from Gringotts remove the Horcrux that was found there. After all the marked Death Eaters had been sent through the Veil, the Horcrux that was behind Harry's scar was the only Horcrux connected to a viable life-force which empowered them, and when it was removed all the other Horcruxes failed and released, and there was nothing keeping Wraithmort anchored to this plain of existence. So he screamed as he faded away to his next adventure.

Lavender got her wish and was able to start Bong Bong's intensive and progressive re-education and training while Hagrid was happy to help and encourage when Bong Bong slacked off to play chess. She had made good progress and a very gentlemanly and totally unrecognisable Ronald Bong Bong Brown escorted a beautiful Lavender to the Yule Ball while a charming Harry escorted a gorgeous Hermione, a shy Neville escorted a luminous Luna, and a well behaved Draco escorted a very Bonnie Ginny but he had to stay up wind from Ronald Bong Bong Brown as any whiff of the essence of Bong Bong turned Draco stomach violently ill.

Hermione took her boyfriend home for Xmas as Harry would never go near Durzkaban again. But Hermione did and the Dursleys disappeared as if by magic, as they were obliviated and sent to the New Siberian Islands, an archipelago in the extreme North of Russia, to the north of the East Siberian coast between the Laptev Sea and the East Siberian Sea north of the Sakha (Yakutia) Republic.

Madam Bones became the next Minister of Magic and started a new golden age of progress, respect, friendship in the Magical World, and above all, love.

They all lived happily ever after.

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

 _Thank you for reading and for your reviews._

 _\- How Bong Bong got his name. -_

PS: Dumbledore's plan _H_ was to use his Horcrux that he made when his sister was murdered and then have a _deranged and Imperioed_ Severus Snape hit him with the Killing Curse just before he bravely crossed the Veil and release his wraith to stay in this dimension while his soul-free body fell through the Veil. But a curse free Severus smirked as he watched the dark wizard who had set up his Lily to be murdered, was thrown through the Veil. After all, throwing a Killing Curse at either Amelia, Minerva or Molly would only make them angry. Very angry indeed!

PSS: After completing the first task, Harry found himself locked into the Tri-Wizard Tournament and with Hermione's help, of course, Harry won. He donated the prize money to fund a fourth task for the three original champions and as they were all seekers it became a broom race from Hogwarts to Durmstrang to Beauxbatons and back to Hogwarts. It finished in an exciting three way tie that is still talked about and argued over with Cedric's father going so far as to demand a rematch. But the three champions were more than happy with the result.

PSSS: The Booby Head charm was a tribute as the Bubble Head charm made Severus look and sound like Marvin the Paranoid Android as he tried to save Draco from drowning.


End file.
